We’ve all been there: thigh-height deep in a crypt slowly, slowly filling with the blood of
centuries-old virgins as one, maybe one, and a bat that turns into a vampire runs at you, arms
flailing. Let’s talk about beheading the vampires.

If you’re reading this, you’ve survived, but so many of us end up ding-dong durn
dead because we think a slash across the throat is enough to behead a vampire when really it’s
a slash, a twist, and a pull.

With vampire crypts turning up between the vape store and the other vape store in gentrified
neighborhoods, we thought it was best to put together a guide to help you stay safe.

1. There should not be blood. If there is blood, go to a hospital immediately.
   We really can’t stress this enough: vampires do not have blood in any wrack, crack, or sack.
   They are full of a rare goo called rinelin, which keeps their skin tight and luminous, hence the
   “sexy vampire” trope. When beheading a vampire, you should only hear the souls of dead heretics or dead
   dogs that fought for the Confederacy scream out until your eardrums pop. If you get blood of
   any type, color, or consistency on you, leave immediately! Go to a hospital straight away, and
   drink aloe vera until your stomach feels full, like you are forming cement in there. It’s probably
   nothing, but you also might die a lot.
   
2. As in life, the genitals are never where you think they are.
   We’re all adults here, so we don’t need to tell you that vampires have genitals the same way
   snowflakes have shapes: each one is unique in its own way, full of jagged edges and rusted
   points. Truly, one never knows if adult parts might emerge from ears, eyes, tummies, or knees
   when chatting with a vampire. As such, you want to be sure to swing for that decapitation from
   the side of the demon, not right in front where any idiot can get impaled by the blade that shoots
   from the genitals upon death.
   
3. Babies Should Not Be In Crypts
   We probably don’t need to tell you that vampire hunters have no health coverage, which means
   there is no coverage for child care. We know a sitter can be expensive, but we have noticed a
   correlation between vampires living, and babies being in the crypt with papa or mommy. In
   particular, babies playing with keys or the glasses on a parent’s face create an opportunity for
   vampires to survive, or even thrive! We don’t want to say your baby is a vampire-sympathizer
   (we’ll think it, but we won’t say it), but we do suggest getting a sitter.
   
4. Watch for Spiders
   Dracula has created the impression that vampires clean their crypts, when in reality they never
   clean anything, except the meat off a human bone. Because of this, spiders find places to nest
   and lay eggs in these spaces, and spiders in a dark crypt are extra scary! To protect yourself,
   make sure you are covered head-to-toe in tight leather garments, or a HAZMAT suit that can be
   zipped shut. How embarrassing would it be to be about to behead a vampire, only to have to flail
   wildly to try and kill a bunch of spiders in your pants?
   
5. Vampires Do Not Have Beyonce Tickets or Really Great Deals on a House in Fiji
   Vampires are crafty and may prey on the financial vulnerabilities and lack of relaxation that
   vampire hunters face. However, we cannot stress enough that even if a vampire offers to give
   you a ticket to a Beyonce show, or a deal on a house in Fiji, they do not have those tickets or
   deals! Think about it: how would vampires, who are beautiful but broke, have such things?
   Tickets go on sale on the day when vampires are asleep in their wi-fi-less coffins. Fiji is more
   than twelve hours away, which means they’d risk being exposed to the sun traveling there.
   Vampires have nothing to offer you except beauty and immortality, so be sure to remember this
   when you’re on the fence about sparing their lives to hear “Drunk in Love.”
   

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