Historic Ruling Against Zombie-Human Marriage

In a groundbreaking decision, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 against the legality of a marriage between a living person and a zombie. The case, Rotten v. Life, captured national attention when human Jane Doe married her reanimated high school sweetheart, Zeke “Half-Eaten” Johnson, in a quiet cemetery ceremony. The ruling has sent shockwaves through both the living and the undead communities. Raising questions about love, life, and the law.

Chief Justice Mortified McGrave, writing for the majority, emphasized the need to keep the living and the undead separate. “Zombies and humans should remain apart, lest we all become walking corpses ourselves,” he stated, citing concerns about social decay and “rampant brain-eating.” The decision upheld long-standing laws designed to prevent such unions, drawing criticism for clinging to outdated notions of love and life.

Supporters of the ruling argue that the decision is not about discrimination but about protecting traditional values. “It’s not that we don’t like zombies,” remarked Senator Gutsworth, a vocal advocate of the ban. “Marriage should be between two living, breathing humans—or at least two individuals with matching body temperatures. Allowing zombie marriages opens the door to chaos. What’s next? Marrying ghosts?”

On the other side, dissenting justices warned that the ruling could set a dangerous precedent. “This decision implies that love can be invalidated by something as superficial as post-mortem skin conditions,” argued Justice Wakefield. “We’re sending a message that love is only valid if it conforms to outdated definitions of ‘aliveness.’ Love should not be bound by life or death.”

The public response has been as divided as the court’s ruling. Protesters outside the courthouse voiced their opinions, with some chanting, “Zombies have hearts, too!” while others shouted, “Keep your cold, dead hands off our marriages!” The debate has sparked wider discussions about civil rights, with some fearing that this ruling could lead to further erosions of personal freedoms. As Jane and Zeke vow to keep their love “alive,” the question remains: can love truly be legislated?

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