Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and I wanted to write to you because I feel like I’ve reached a strange point in my life that I didn’t expect.

Like a lot of men who spend too much time online, I went through a red-pill phase. I read the forums, the Reddit threads, the endless discussions about attractiveness, dating apps, women, status, physique, sexual success, and all the supposed rules about what makes a man valuable.

For a while, I believed a lot of it. Over the past several months, I worked hard on my body. I got into much better shape, became more confident in how I look, improved my Tinder profile, and eventually started getting likes and matches — quite a few of them, actually.

And the strange thing is: it worked. At least according to the definition of “working” that I had been sold. Women find me more attractive. Dating is easier. Sex is more accessible. I get more attention.

But now that I’m on the other side of it, I keep thinking: so what? There was no great moment of arrival. No cinematic “I finally made it” feeling. No permanent boost in self-worth. No transformation where suddenly everything clicked into place and I became this complete, fulfilled person.

It feels almost embarrassingly ordinary. And sometimes sex itself feels stupidly empty. Not bad, exactly. Just… not nearly as meaningful as I once imagined it would be.

I don’t really subscribe to any of those ideologies anymore. I don’t blame women, I don’t blame men, and I don’t think either sex has some magical easy existence. People have their own problems, insecurities, desires and disappointments.

The physique helped me. Absolutely. Becoming stronger and more attractive gave me confidence, discipline and proof that I could change myself. But the ultimate prize promised by a lot of Reddit, incel and red-pill spaces now seems almost Pyrrhic. Yes, it is nice to get likes. Yes, it is nice to know that someone desires you. But… then what?

There is no scoreboard that suddenly tells you that you are enough. There is just another match, another conversation, another date, another person — and eventually all of it can start feeling interchangeable if there is nothing deeper underneath it.

I think what bothers me most is realizing that the great fantasy I spent so much time chasing may never have actually been mine.

It may have been another man’s fantasy that I adopted as my own.

So I guess my question is this: What does a man do when the lights come on after the fantasy is over?

When the dates stop feeling important, when sex stops feeling like proof of anything, when being considered attractive is pleasant but no longer feels like a meaningful goal — where do you go from there?

How do you figure out what you actually want once you stop measuring your life according to the things the internet told you should matter? Because I spent so long assuming that reaching this point would answer something about me.

Instead, it seems to have left me with a much bigger question.

Thanks for everything you’ve written over the years.

-A win that is not a “win”

This is going to sound like sarcasm, but I promise you it’s not: congratulations, you’ve learned a very important lesson. I hope you didn’t waste too much time and money trying to get here. 

No, seriously. This is something that I’ve been saying for a long, long time: the thing you think you want is very often not what you need and it’s not going to make you happy in the way that you think they will. The things you think you’re supposed to be pursuing are often things you were told – whether directly by others or implicitly through cultural transmission and osmosis – that you should prize above all else, no matter whether those were things that you actually wanted or were even things that you enjoyed. You’re measuring your worth to people who care nothing for you by collecting points to trade in for prizes that don’t actually exist and that only matter to people you wouldn’t turn to for their opinions on cheese.

To be clear, this isn’t just a redpill/manosphere/PUA thing; this is just the latest verse in an old song that apparently we can’t stop singing. It’s the cry of every middle-aged man who hit his 40s or 50s and realized that he’s done everything he was “supposed” to and the fact that it’s left him feeling empty is held up as a symptom that there’s something wrong with him, not his goals. We have long been selling people a lifestyle, philosophy and way of being, sometimes quite literally, that almost never pans out the way we hope.

Some folks never fully realize that the issue isn’t that there’s something wrong with them, it’s that they were chasing goals that were never truly theirs in the first place. And in many cases, they were the opposite of everything that would truly bring them satisfaction.

Now, I will say that you’re wrong in one aspect: you did learn things about yourself and you got answers about who you are. You learned about what doesn’t work for you and what wasn’t going to bring you peace, contentment, satisfaction or validation. You learned that you were trying to fill a hole inside yourself with the validation of other people, and that simply will never work. This isn’t a waste of time, so long as you actually take what you’ve learned and apply it, so that you can not only learn more about yourself but to be able to recognize when folks are selling you snake-oil and bullshit.

Similarly, the fact that the end of this journey turns out to be emptier than you expected doesn’t mean that your time was wasted or that what you got out of it is tainted. I’ve talked before about my own similar journey starting in the PUA scene; there was a lot that was toxic and unhealthy that I’ve had to unlearn, but there were things of value too. I learned to question and break a lot of self-limiting beliefs about myself, allowed myself to grow in directions that I thought were unavailable to me and learned that “I” have a lot more agency in deciding who I can be. I wasn’t defined by my supposed limitations, and I had a lot more agency in who I could be while still being true to my authentic self.

The same goes for you. There’re parts of your journey that I’m sure you are happy with, things that you achieved that you might not have otherwise. It’s good to hold onto those, because it’s a reminder that it wasn’t all a waste; there was wisdom to be found as much as frustration and emptiness. Failing doesn’t make you a failure if you learn from it, and finding ways that don’t work isn’t the same as failure.

So, now it’s time to take what you’ve learned and apply that to your journey going forward. Now that you’ve seen that sex isn’t a measure of value, that women aren’t something you collect like Pokémon, where do you go? What do you do?

Well… you tell me.

No. Seriously. You tell me. This is your journey of self-exploration, yourjourney to the center of your own soul and sense of identity. The things that you are missing, the paths that you’ve passed by while you were on this road instead, those are all going to be unique to you. So, your next step is to start really looking inward and asking yourself that, knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently?

I realize that it sounds a little like regression, considering, but looking back is a good starting point towards reconnecting with your authentic self. What sorts of things did you give up – things you were curious about or even things you actively enjoyed and loved – because they didn’t fit the image and life you were trying to mold yourself into? How many relationships, platonic, romantic or sexual, did you pass up because you were supposed to go for thistype of woman or that kind of connection? Are there people in your life who you put on the backburner while you focused more on the community you had joined? Rekindling those relationships can be incredibly nourishing for your soul and sense of well-being.

By that same token, what sorts of things were you curious about or interested in that you never tried because you thought you “couldn’t”, or because you “weren’t the kind of guy who did X”? What sorts of things would you try or experience if you weren’t afraid of what people thought? Now that you know what you’re capable of, what big swings do you feel more empowered to take? Now that you know sex for sex’s sake isn’t going to fulfill you, are you ready to seek connection and companionship instead? Are you ready to look for someone to share a life with and find out what that life might look like?

Engaging with your sense of curiosity and wonder, leading with trying new things and collecting experiences is a great way to discover new sides of yourself or find new aspects of what you know already.

I would also encourage you to look for purpose in your life, something you want to work towards. Simply feeling like you’ve done something to make a positive difference – even if it’s as small as “regularly give assistance to my neighbors” – does wonders for feeling like your time on this earth means something.

And here’s the last thing I will tell you – a thing that can be hard to fully wrap your head around until you get there: in every journey towards mastery, you will reach what you think is the pinnacle, only to realize that you aren’t at the end of your journey, you’re at the end of the beginning. There’s always more to learn, always more to strive for, ways to apply your knowledge and skill that you never considered before, and that’s beautiful. You are only done when you choose to be. But when you’re engaging your curiosity and desire to know more and experience more and discover more?

Well… there will always be wonders out there waiting for you, new sights to see, people to meet, experiences to share and worlds to explore.

Good luck.

Hi Doctor NerdLove,

I could use some advice about something that’s been distracting me for a while now, and, frankly, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it.

I’m one of those guys who gets along perfectly well with women but has never had much luck romantically. They seem to like me well enough as a person, but there’s never much interest beyond that. I’ve put more than enough time and effort into dating at this point, and I’m honestly tired of trying to find some joy or meaning in collecting one rejection after another. Eventually, you have to consider the possibility that whatever it is women are looking for, you just aren’t the kind of guy who has it.

The actual problem is that I have a subordinate at work whom I find ridiculously attractive. I’m talking *can’t concentrate on my job and start talking complete nonsense whenever she’s around* levels of attractive. On top of that, she’s genuinely nice to be around, which certainly doesn’t help. We don’t have much in common in terms of hobbies or personality, and I don’t think we’d be particularly compatible as a couple, but that hasn’t stopped me from fantasizing about her far more than I’d care to admit. I’ve even masturbated while thinking about her, which isn’t exactly something I’m proud of.

To be clear, I’ve never said or done anything inappropriate toward her. In fact, I’ve had to discipline other guys for behaving inappropriately toward her, and I take that responsibility seriously. Still, I feel guilty about how difficult I’ve found it to keep my own feelings in check, even though I’ve made a point of keeping them to myself.

The part I’m particularly uncomfortable with is that she’s very good at her job, and I’ve been advocating for her to get promoted. However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, a significant part of my motivation was the hope that she’d end up outside my department, where I wouldn’t have to deal with this distraction every day. There were other candidates who were just as qualified and had more seniority, though, and looking back, I don’t think it was particularly professional of me to favor her under those circumstances.

So, Doctor, how do I handle this better? I don’t want her career to be affected, positively or negatively, because of my personal hang-ups. I certainly don’t want her to feel uncomfortable or have to deal with any of this, and I don’t want my own lack of romantic success to become her problem.

I know being attracted to someone isn’t something you can simply switch off, but I feel like I should be handling this situation better than I am. How do I get my head on straight and make sure I act like the professional I’m supposed to be?

Sincerely

Distracted Manager

Hey, if you feel stupid talking to someone attractive, you’re hardly alone DM. There’ve been studies that’ve found that some men experience a temporary decline in cognitive function when they’re working with women they find incredibly attractive.

(To be fair, the study was of college students with a small number of participants, so it’s not the last word on the subject nor particularly definitive… but it is a thing that happens.)

Now here’s the thing to understand: a big part of why this happens is entirely down to inexperience and novelty. If you’re not used to talking to attractive women, it can be easy to get lost in your own head; you aren’t really seeing them as people so much as “holy shit I need to impress this person and make them like me”. You’re not really paying attention to them so much as the running commentary in your head, a sort of meta-cognition where you’re trying to observe things from the outside to chart the critical path towards “they like me!” while simultaneously dealing with the feeling of intimidation. After all, we have a tendency to assign greater social status and value to women we find attractive and so we get a little caught up in trying to prove ourselves.

The problem is that… well, you’re not seeing them as a person, so much as what they represent, and because you’re lost in your own thoughts, you’re not being present with them or giving them your full attention. As a result: you feel like a babbling idiot. And you kind of are; a lot of the mental bandwidth you would be using to be an active listener is instead going to that track of your brain that’s busy trying to gauge how the interaction is going.

The good news is that this is something that is easily overcome with time and exposure. I’ve talked before about how humans are an adaptable species and how we can get accustomed to almost literally anything. This includes people’s looks; the more we get to know someone, the less intimidated we become by their appearance because we’re seeing the person and not The Beauty. That doesn’t mean we stop finding them attractive; we just stop feeling like we’ve been hit with a brick while suddenly experiencing a lifetime of lead poisoning. Exposure brings familiarity and familiarity demystifies almost everything.

While that’s something you can work on in the long term, let’s talk about how to handle this in the short term. And in the name of handling this, I want to point out a misconception that I think you’re working under: that you’re not keeping your feelings properly in check and what that means.

It sounds to me that when you say “keep your feelings in check”, what you mean is “not feel these things”. What it actually means is that while you may be feeling those feelings, you’re not basing your decisions and actions on those feelings and thus far, you’re actually doing a rather good job of this. The fact that you know – even as the thought of her gets you all hornt up – that you and she aren’t a compatible couple is a good example of this. Yeah, you know she’s the hottest thing since WWIII and sure, you’d love to ride that particular roller-coaster to disaster… but you’re still aware that this is just an office crush and not something to wreck your life over.

I say this often enough that I’m basically a broken record at this point but: attraction is just a feeling, not a command; it’s not something that you need to act on. That is: just because you’re attracted to somebody, you don’t need to pursue it with them. The same thing applies to your behavior with them. Yes, you can be attracted to somebody, even painfully so, without letting it interfere with how you treat them or how you behave around them. Your attraction isn’t going to be her problem if you don’t make it her problem. This isn’t just about not flirting with her, leering or otherwise behaving unprofessionally, but in your role as her supervisor too.

While I understand your worry that your attraction is overwhelming your good judgement, I think your actions speak otherwise. Take the fact that you’re advocating for her to get a promotion. It would be one thing if she were completely unqualified and you were doing this either as a reward or bribe. But, by your own words, she’s a hard worker, skilled and well-qualified for the role, and you don’t have any sort of relationship outside of your professional one. That’s very different, especially if she’s equally as qualified as some of the other potential candidates, and a consideration that she’s actually earned through her efforts. If they’re all relatively equally qualified, and the choice comes down to other factors, then you’re not necessarily letting your attraction push you into unprofessional directions.

Let me put it this way: would you feel as conflicted at advocating for a man getting that promotion if you and he were work friends? Or because you knew him better because you go to the same church, work out at the same gym or otherwise have some sort of shared connection outside of work? Nobody is a being of pure logic; we all are influenced by many different circumstances, traits, appearances and relationships. The distinction between the influences that are “acceptable” and the ones that aren’t are often arbitrary. The fact that you might crank it to one person doesn’t mean that that influence is malign while the platonic social connection is benign.  

The thing to be mindful of is that you don’t want to overcorrect. While you’re trying to not show her favoritism because of your attraction, you also don’t want to be harder or more stringent for the same reason. It’s not her fault that you’re attracted to her, and so it isn’t fair of you if you let that get in the way of mentoring her or advancing her career in ways that she’s earned. It’s a little like the men who try to be so diligent in avoiding even the appearance of impropriety that they avoid ever being alone with women who aren’t family or their partners. While this seems admirable on the surface, it ignores how this ultimately excludes women from mentorship, networking and other avenues of professional advancement that men have access to, in the name of “protecting” them.

The key here is about taking responsibility for your actions, not your feelings. Your feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are. It’s what you do because of those feelings that is important. It’s a lot easier to be mindful of this when you’re not trying to force yourself to not feel, because you simply cannot. Trying to repress them just condenses them, intensifies them and all but ensures that they’re going to break containment at the least convenient time.

What you want to do instead is to acknowledge them when the bubble up, and then redirect your attention elsewhere. When you realize, for example, that you’re blathering like an idiot, all you need to do is note that you’ve let your attention wander, then gently redirect it back to the conversation at hand. When you feel the attraction pushing to the forefront of your mind, notice that you’re having it – literally think “oh, right, my crush on $_COWORKER,” then just turn your attention and thoughts back to where they need to be. You don’t need to shove them aside or pretend they don’t exist, just adjust where you’re giving your attention.

Because here’s the thing: remember what I said about how exposure lessens the impact? That’s going to apply to your crush as well. Part of what makes your crush so imposing is that you’re feeding it like you would feed fuel to a fire. The more you dwell on it, the more bandwidth you give it, the more intense it becomes and the more it consumes your thoughts. But if you just ignore it – not shove it away, but simply let it be – it will fade over time, and likely faster than you think. And by redirecting your attention and thoughts to where they should be, you’ll be in a better position to see your coworker as she deserves: a fellow professional and someone under your responsibility.

Good luck.