Holden But Yassified, Staff Writer

After the recent resignation of the Samo football coach and lack of subs, the football team is required to take painting until a replacement is found. After two weeks of taking this class, it is becoming clear that they should have been doing this all along. 

I received an anonymous email from an angered student painter stating that the football team has been using their jockstraps as paint holders. After hearing this shocking news, I knew I had to investigate further. I went undercover as an everyday high school art student and took to the classroom. I’ve now been observing for 17 days, and there’s so much to unpack.

Upon entering the room, nothing is wrong. It just looks like a standard classroom filled with half-painted canvases. Even after taking a closer look, I couldn’t find anything. I only found the differences when I separated the Jocks paintings with regular students. WARNING: this information may shock you.

The jocks have actually mastered painting more than some of the returning students have. I saw a lovely recreation of the Mona Lisa painted by the quarterback that looked shockingly similar to the original piece. This happened with all of the athletes.

When their new coach heard this crazy rumor spreading, he went to see for himself. He was ready to see a room of strong men eager to return, but instead he walked in on a conversation about color palettes and how to properly shade. One of his ex-players said something inspiring that I was very lucky to overhear.

“Sorry Coach, our days of violence are over. We’re artists now, and nothing can change that,” he said. 

I interviewed the student that reported the football team, and I realized how much the art students had against them. They felt threatened by the team’s natural talents. But the players managed to overcome this adversity and learn so much.

One student actually took up film making full time after this class. Football player Troy Jones has recently quit football to become an art student.  His portfolio, organized around his series of charcoal sketches of the Tuileries, was lauded by the likes of the Chicago Art Institute and the Rhode Island School of Design.  But in the end, he accepted a 4-year scholarship to the studio art/art history program, a course of study that will fastrack his PhD in art history. 

“I was so shocked, but I actually found this class therapeutic. Football playing was so rough, so this is a great change of pace. Even with all of the brain injuries I have after playing footballI, I’m so happy I managed to get so much out of this class. I discovered my true passion,” Jones said.

Art by athlete Shakira with help from Leonardo Da Vinci
A replica of the Mona Lisa drawn impressively by a football player’s lithe hand.