!I’m so damn happy that those overhyped 2026 World Cup soccer matches are finally wrapping up I could kiss a pig on the mouth!

The only sport more boring than soccer is still tiddlywinks — and at least in tiddlywinks you’ve got a chance to score, for Pete’s sake.

Let’s face it! No red-blooded American is going to sit in front of the TV and watch a game where a big score is still 3 to 2. Our pro footballers are dropping 40-burgers every Sunday like it’s nothing.

Scores like 27 to 14 are just a normal afternoon. If the Kansas City Chiefs played the Philadelphia Eagles and the score was 3 to 2, they’d be laughed out of the stadium, and the whole league would demand a refund!

And another thing. Soccer’s a sissy sport. They still don’t wear helmets and pads like REAL football players because they never hit each other hard enough to do any real damage. Bunch of millionaires prancing around in short shorts chasing a ball like it’s gonna bite ’em.

And the day the Kansas City Chiefs take the field in short pants like those soccer pretty boys wear is the day I figure the whole country’s gone soft — including the National Football League!

The only sport that can be played in short pants and not be a pansy game is American basketball — and that’s played indoors, mind you.

The only place you find any real action at a soccer game is still in the stands. Soccer fans get so bored watching their favorite sport that they start riots just to liven things up. Meanwhile, real football fans are too busy high-fiving over actual touchdowns.

And where are the cheerleaders at one of these nincompoop soccer games? Nowhere, that’s where. Put a few babes on the sidelines like the ones who cheer for the Dallas Cowboys and nobody would care if they played soccer or not!

Let’s face it. They sold the whole damn world — including a bunch of new American fans — a pig in a poke when they tried shoving this snooze-fest down our throats in 2026. Lionel Messi or whoever the flavor-of-the-month superstar is can’t save it.

But like the late great circus king P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”And it’s a proven, historical fact that old P.T. was watching a soccer game when he said it!

MY AMERICA
By ED ANGER

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